The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
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I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
[7 minutes in heaven]
Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha
Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.