people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
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The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
happy friday
CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn’t start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that
LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure
Bilbo: no
Gandalf: can i come in for tea
Bilbo: also no
Gandalf: dinner with my friends?
Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me
Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want
@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
[Home Depot staff meeting]
BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?
ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.