My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
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Autocannibalism is self-serving.
Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
SON: Dad, were there any doctor shows like Grey’s Anatomy when you were a kid?
ME: Yeah.
SON: What was it called?
ME: Grey’s Anatomy.
*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0