If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
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*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence
I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!Sir I-
[childbirth]
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out
The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
This rocks
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March