My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.
It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.
Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.
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My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.
Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.