me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
You Might Also Like
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
be careful
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
Me: Can I take a peak?
Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?
Me: *steals the top of a mountain*
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”
Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.
Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
you can achieve anything if you just put your mind to it. for example, i just saw a dead fish on the freeway
*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.