[First Date]
No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.
[Second Date]
*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*
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If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”
[Ouija board]
O spirits, let me talk to m-
C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I
*squints*
What the heck?
A 3G board?
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
The only good comments section online is on recipes
Stop everything. Everybody shut up
There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no
Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*
Me: What was that all about?
Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.
I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.