I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
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Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
Good boy 😂😂
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
I know this now 😂
My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.