It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
You Might Also Like
My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it
Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
Asked my height at the doctor’s office today. I confidently told the nurse 6 feet (as I have my entire adult life), and she responded with, “Well, I’m getting 5’11-and-a-half” in the obliviously cheery tone of someone who’s decided to rip somebody’s life apart on a Friday morning
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
if a cop pulls u over play dead
*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me
ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive
yeah 😭
a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.
Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”