I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
You Might Also Like
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
“Did you see that new drama last night?”
“No?”
“Oh you’d love it!”
“What’s it called?”
“I can’t remember”
“What channel’s it on?”
“It was either BBC or ITV, I think”
“Who’s in it?”
“That chap who was in the other thing, he’s been in loads of things”
“Right, I’ll check it out”
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.