make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
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I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger
Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)
Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?
Me: Of course. One sec
(Resets phone to factory settings)
Me: Here you go
Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.
Inmate: Who got me out?
Warden: A famous celebrity.
Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?
Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.
Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!
Warden: Just go man.
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkwardWhat a sturdy clavicle you have.
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
Aragorn: You have my sword.
Legolas: And you have my bow.
Gimli: And my axe.
Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.
Aragorn: But we’re heading to –
Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale