How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
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t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.
My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
Game developer: his name is Donkey
Nintendo: nice
Developer: he’s a gorilla
Nintendo: ok twist
Developer: who wears a necktie
Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?
Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?
Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
Wife and I got each others name tattooed on the other after we got married. Split up and I had it covered with another tattoo. Two years later got back together and I’ve not told her yet, she just thinks I sleep in a hoodie because I’m cold. Have to come clean soon.
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house