this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭
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My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.
Her: “So, are you religious?”
Him: “I’m part Catholic.”
Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”
Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”
#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.
Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
My husband keeps borrowing and losing my tweezers, so I’m naming this chin hair after him
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
Ken is short for chicken
100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.