Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
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Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…
Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!
Boss:
Me:
Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
incredible book dedication
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?
Kids: Cars
Me: And…
Kids: Wine moms
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
44.65
*click*
44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps