[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
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Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders
Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…
I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.
I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.