The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
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I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
Harry: Want to see a magic trick?
Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.
Harry: Got your nose!
Voldemort: You know I hate that game.
Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.
BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.
Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
That’s incredible! 👌
another case of gang violins
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”
Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.
A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat: