I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”
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co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi
WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU
Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body