[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
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Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
the chicken was already gone when I got here
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*
Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*
Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.
Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.