What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
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Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
Did you hear what happened when the local theater stopped paying the heat bill?
Coldplay.
*unsubscribes from newsletter*
*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*
*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*
Best spoiler warning ever
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
Me, after playing Hot Cross Buns on the recorder: Honestly I didn’t write that, it was a cover. I’m working on some originals though.
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.
We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-
group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne
Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman
I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”