I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
You Might Also Like
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
Science memes
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub
I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
[restaurant]
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.