My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
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He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”
Pigeon open mic night.
outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now
me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email
outlook: [confused hissing]
mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights
also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼
[lights go out]
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
The worst thing about working from home is when you get on a customer call, the Amazon driver shows up, and you have a dog.
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.
Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
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