I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
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Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?
Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…
I’m ready to be adopted now.
Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
5: Daddy, can I help?
Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job
5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.Me: [handing over tools]
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
They must have gotten it to go.
She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
When you’ve been debugging for hours and the issue was a missing semicolon, you appreciate the little things. Also, considering a career in farming.
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
[in bed, 6 AM]
Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher