A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
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My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”
Good morning y’all ☀️
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL’S BROTHER: *creates crocodile*A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mEA: i’m telling god
AB: i’M TeLLiNg gOd
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
detective: this’ll make you talk
suspect: a banana?
detective: *starts chewing*
suspect: *crying* omg peel it