My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.
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[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor
cat faces on other animals, a thread
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
[bar]
CUSTOMER: Barman
BARMAN: Sir?
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having
I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”