If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
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There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.
whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
My daughter asked why I drink so much beer
I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.