ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
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It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.
STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.
Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above
Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-
Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-
Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
Love thy neighbor’s dog
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office