Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
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[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD
Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…
Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger
[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim
Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.
Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up