*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
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When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
Him: Let’s get you out of that dress.
Me: Be careful
Him: Why?
Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I’ll pop open like a can of biscuits.
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.
“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
mood
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where’s mom?
I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.