Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
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Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’
She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶
Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?
Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please
that de-escalated quickly
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”
[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT