I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
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[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me
I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
This forever.
[Robbery]
Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?
Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
Day 1 of healthy eating
So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already
Day 2 of healthy eating
I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol