Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think
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A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
I don鈥檛 understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
I鈥檓 a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I鈥檓 taking one.
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I鈥檓 spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.
[company all-hands Zoom call]
CEO: The future is ahead of us!
Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let鈥檚 me choke on my own spit.
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don鈥檛 do yoga.
[first episode of tv show]
Guy: Hi
Guy’s friend of 25 years: You’ve been my friend for 25 years
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 馃グ
Yea girl, he鈥檚 your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
If I don鈥檛 get an A for my daughter鈥檚 school project, I鈥檓 gonna be pissed.
If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
I鈥檝e been using special shampoo and I鈥檝e noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.