4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
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Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
U talkin 2 me?
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
Emotional Fruit:
The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.