Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
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Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.
Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.
Me: Chocolate?
[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]
why no one uses midhusbands
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.
[text from wife]
I want a divorceMe: *stands up at desk* YES!!!
*starts breakdancing*
*books trip to Bahamas*
*kisses Carol in accounting*
*goes into boss’s office* I QUIT!!![…typing]
Haha, April fools
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
old lady: that’s not necessary
me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online
[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.
SON: What’re you doing?
ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!
SON: Cool
ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?