Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.
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I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*
Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.
Executive: Yawn. Boring.
Creator: They both have speech impediments.
Executive: I love it.
notice
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side
Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?