Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”
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Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves
Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job
Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG
*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
[camping]
Her: *pointing* What’s that?
Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears
H: *tuts*
M: We’re safe as long as it’s there
H: Right…
*later – cut to me eating the sammich*
*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*
M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129