Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
You Might Also Like
I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.
Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.
Oh, wait.
That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.
I’m the second most successful guy.
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
Mom: Take out the trash
*I take the trash on a lovely date*
Mom: Not what I meant
*I assassinate the trash in an ally*
Mom: Still wrong