You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
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“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
Those are good neighbors.
[cleaning the garage]
ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway
12YO: ok which app do I use
ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app
12YO: is it on mom’s phone
ME: no app. push. the. broom.
12YO:
ME:
12YO: so should i download it
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.