If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
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Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
<—- homeless romantic
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.
ME: i trained my cat to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: name an object pronoun
CAT: me-
ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt
CAT: -ow
HER: this sucks
ME: patience
CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
Caveman1: look, I invent wheel
Caveman2: what we do now?
Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel
Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet