No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
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[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
welcome back
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
– First day of College
– Dorm meetingDorm monitor: Any questions guys?
Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
vegan witches, happy halloween!
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
Sooo many times…..
Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
calling a guy “my ex”
-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriendcalling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”
-true
-but makes me look pathetic