Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
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Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*
Customers behind me: huffing and puffing
Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
A duv-egg? In this economy?
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”
*Door slams
– Jehova’s Witnesses
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.
STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.