Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
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(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”
If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
Okey dokey.
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.