You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
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Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
me after eating Cheetos
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?