Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
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There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
Never forget.
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good
The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
Producer: This is a complete ripoff of Sesame Street.
Me: How so?
Producer: For starters, it stars puppets you refer to as “Moppets” named Large Bird, Herman the Toad, The Archduke, Alma, and Kurt & Arnie. And you call it…?
Me: Poppy Seed Blvd.
Producer: Get out.
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.
[Grocery store checkout]
Me: *cracks open a beer*
Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here
Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this
Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
Me: When a door closes a window opens.
All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.