A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
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Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.