Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
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“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
Me too 😆
[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*
The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
Choose your fighter