Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
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If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.
Doctor: Your children are very healthy
Me: Good
Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger
Me: I know
Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger
Me: *trembling* I know
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
#HatDadJoke
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
NYT: No, we did not make Wordle harder. We promise.
Also NYT: Today’s Wordle is KHYBX — which everyone knows is a popular 11th century Latin delicacy derived from quicksand extract. Duh.
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
Because I’m on a health journey, I’m no longer looking for a sugar daddy, I’m now looking for a protein papa. Don’t make this weirder than I already have.
Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.