You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
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The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.