celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
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Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.
When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
shut up and take my money
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are
ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
Egyptians don’t walk like that.
[on a date with a european]
Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?
Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.
At McDonalds
Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them
Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap