Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
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Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed
[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐
As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
wtf management?!
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot
ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU
ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.