Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
You Might Also Like
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.
I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.
My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
Mmmm canned fish.
I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you
Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
Breaking news:
Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…
“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”
~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”